Trying

Trying to keep it together.

Being down to single digits is a lot harder than I thought it would be.

6 free days left with James.

And part of me is screaming inside.....wanting this to stop. Just stop. Make it go away.

I don't want to go back to school. I don't want to go because I know then that it's so real. I know that there's no turning back.

In 8 days...

I can't call you. I can't hear your voice. I can't see your smile. I can't touch your face. I can't feel your kiss. I can't feel your body so close to mine. I can't hear your laugh. I can't ride with you in the car. I can't hear your terrible singing. I can't hold your hand. I can't tell you about my day. I can't ask you for advice. I can't lean on you. I can't laugh when you're so damn funny. So many things that I can't do with you.....

I want this so bad to be forever.
Please, please....come home in a year and be mine forever. God.

I'm in love with this:

iTunes Meme stolen from Elyse

How many total songs? 1632

Sort by song title - first and last..."About Us" Brooke Hogan, "7 Weeks" Gym Class Heroes

Sort by Album - first and last... Across the Universe, You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown

Sort by Artist - first and last...Across the Universe, 98 Degrees

Find the following words. How many songs show up?

Sex: 4
Death: 0
Love: 104
You: 205
Home: 10
Boy: 31
Girl: 60

Christmas is 30 Days Away!

So, in the spirit of being thankful this holiday season, I thought I would make a list of things I am thankful for. *in no order of importance

• My family



• My friends



• My education



• My doggies (they always brighten my day)



• James



• Extended Family (My Aunt's and Uncles are pretty great. And I love my Gma)



• James' family (they have welcomed me with open arms)



• Every opportunity I have had this year to grow as a person



• Each person that has affected my life in some way

I know I've left things out. But I think that's the gist of it.

I've been at home in Ftown since Monday, and I go back to Cbus for school this afternoon. It's been a week of joys. Really, I don't think I've had such a good time on a break, during school. I don't even know if I remember what all I have done!

Monday - got home at about 3pm. Did laundry. Sat around and relaxed. Went out to dinner with James to celebrate our 4 months. Watched TV and fell asleep on the couch with my head in his lap. :-)

Tuesday - went to see Mrs. Fisher/Mr. Reed at the high school. Was awesome! Came home and did some homework. Got 2 papers done. Went to James' around 7ish and watched "I Now Pronoucne You Chuck and Larry" which was hilarious. Went to Alex's afterwards and caught up with a friend I hadn't seen in almost two months.

Wednesday - Didn't do much all day. Went to Denny's with Elyse, Jon, Lyndsey, Audra, Eric, Scooter, Courtney P, and Pam. It was a good time. Went to Pam's and watched Rent. And took Eric home like the good old times and got to talk. James went to Pittsburgh to see Avenue Q so I didn't see him wednesday.

Thursday - Thanksgiving with the family. James got here around 11 and he helped cook and all that good stuff. Had a good time. It seemed like he took well to my family. He left around 4 and then I sat around with my family and watched TV and stuff. I went to bed fairly early, thursday.

Friday - I spent most of the day writing my paper for theatre. It took me 5 hours to do. After that, I went and got my haircut (which it's too short and I don't like it - but it needed cut)...Went to Old Fort's pep band with James, Alex and Eric. That was a good time. Reminded me how much I miss playing. :-) Went to Denny's afterwards and then went to Courtney's and watched Aladdin.

Saturday - I woke up and headed over to James' around 12. Went to his grandparents across the road for a spaghetti lunch. Then we had to go back to their house and peel potatoes for mashed potatoes. My parents and Taylre came, too, for dinner, so they got to meet James' mom and step-dad. That was interesting. Everyone was gone by 7. Cleaned up, watched some TV......Spent some alone time with James and I was outta there by 10:30. Stopped at Alex's to give him his ethernet cord back and I got home by 11:15. Sweetness.

And here we are with today. I really don't want to drive back down to school today. I really just want to stay at home and keep seeing James on a regular basis. It's so nice to spend time with him. I love him lots.

Shall I provide you with Photos? (okay, just one. I don't like how blogger uploads photos)

And the countdown is: 41 days until he leaves for a year. :-(

Life

Do you ever look at your life and just say "Wow, I like how things are going" ? You know that there are some things you wish you could change, and you're stressed out about a lot of things....but at the same time...You've never been happier..

I know that there are some issues in my life....The lack of a job and the fact that my parents are going to sell my car in two months if I don't start making money....or the fact that my boyfriend is leaving in a month and a half to go to Iraq and he'll be gone for a year.....or the fact that it's almost the end of the semester and I have all these huge projects to do that I have put off for a very long time.....or the fact that I have lost touch with people who were my best friends over the summer.....and I've kept in contact with a few.....or maybe just that my friendship with Tyler is so awkward, lately, and it's hard.... and it sucks that over the next month and a half... I can't go home to see James, and he can't make it down here....so in all reality, I only have a month left with him (p.s. this makes me bawl)

But there are a lot of things to be happy about.... I realize each day how AWESOME my friends are here at Capital. Each friendship I have with all these people is so different and unique and awesomely hilarious and special and endearing to my heart. I LOVE PHI BETA! I love the my brothers and sisters of Phi Beta. I'm happy that I have friends from high school that I have kept in touch with forever....like Tyler Charles... I think he will always be one of my best friends, for the rest of my life. We've gotten through almost three years of college life and we are still friends (he was in college my senior year, and we stayed friends). And he still sleeps with that pillow I made for him, and I still have a picture of him framed, sitting on my dresser here.

I love my Mom and Dad, a lot. I really enjoy the fact that going away to college has helped me to become closer to them, and has helped me appreciate them. I fought a lot with my parents in high school....and now, the distance is saving our relationship. I'm not there at home to get yelled at for things I didn't do....and I don't get blamed when things go missing, or just the fact that they just like to yell at me sometimes. It's nice to be away from that....so that when I do spend time with them, it's just nice to be there with them and we don't yell at each other. Kinda like a honeymoon period.

And most of all... I'm thankful for James. And my heart beats a little faster when I think about him, and how much I love him. I would try and put into words how I feel....but I'm not sure that I can.... It's just that.....he is so....I don't know. He makes me want to be a better person, a better girlfriend, a better friend, a better daughter. He's taught me that loving someone isn't about saying it, it isn't about sex, it isn't about those things all the time. It's about baking cookies for you even when he said he didn't want to. It's about his attempts at surprising me and me ruining it. (I hate surprises...haha)....It's about him never rejecting me for a hug, or a kiss, or holding my hand. It's about him inviting me to all kinds of family events, and introducing me as his girlfriend. It's about him checking up on me....even though we're not glued to each other's sides, he's still there and he is still conscious of where I'm at and if I'm okay.... He drives to Columbus to see me..... He does things when I ask him to.... He calls me out on my bullshit.... And even after all my flaws (no, I know I'm a good person at the heart of it, but we all make mistakes)....and at the end of the day.. I know that even without him saying it, he loves me, a lot. And maybe, just maybe, feeling like all the crap I've gone through is worth it....because it led to James.

Some people don't understand why I am staying with him, even though he's going to be gone...Some people say "I could never do that...." And you know what? It's hard. And it sucks. But at the same time, he is worth waiting for. He means the world to me. I could be all gushy and say what I feel and think but I don't want to jinx it. Let's just say.... I'd be happy to have him around for a long, long time. And maybe I'm naive for saying that so soon, or whatever.....but you know....sometimes you just know. Through the next year....There's going to be rough days, I'm not going to kid myself at all....but you know... I'm a strong person. And I have REALLY awesome friends here that already know how hard it's going to be for me when it really, really hits me that he's not here and they are prepared to eat lots of ice cream, maybe do some drinking, and have tissues ready. And besides....every girl loves a man in uniform....and boy, that day when he comes home is going to be awesome. Talk about a flood of emotion....it's going to be crazy intense!

Moral of the story? My life really sucks, at face value....but I'm happier than ever. And I have friends, family and James to thank for that.

P.S. I am going to study abroad in fall of '08. Pretty sweet. Edinburgh, Scotland....Here I come!!

Letter from Tristan

Tristan is at basic at Ft. Leonardwood.....I wrote him a letter.... September 26th, and I just got a letter from him today....and it made me cry. Allow me to share with you what he wrote:

Nicole,

As we journey through our lives, we find that we cross paths with so many other lives. Some quickly pass with little more than a single moment. Others are meant to glide alongside sharing the experiences of the roads we travel. When our roads become more difficult, those traveling the road with us make all the difference. They become the light that helps us see through the darkness. They become the calming voice that reassures us that we are moving in the right direction. And when the road is easy, they are there to join us with a smile and share in the laughter of the day.

We never know when a new path will cross our own. But we can rest easy knowing that it will be at just the right time for reasons we may not comprehend. I'm glad our paths have met. I look forward to so many more days of laughter and sunshine. I still love ya girl...and I miss you!

Love, Tristan

P.S. I passed Basic Training...I'm a soldier.

Phi Beta

Official member of Phi Beta!!!

The day I've been waiting for since I last saw you

So... I get to see James in like....12 hours....and I can NOT wait. :-)

Just thought I'd put that out there.

P.S. Friday was three glorious months. Here's to many more.

Phi Beta, James, School....

Firstly....Phi Beta....we have like...a week and a half of pledging left. It seems like a long ways away, but it's coming to a close. Almost time to find out if hardwork pays off, and if people really like you. Haha... I'm excited. Tonight we're going bowling. I love it! I didn't know that I would love Phi Beta so much, but I really, REALLY do. :-) And next Friday is the hayride event and I'm hoping that James doesn't have to work that weekend and can go with me....because we can bring dates and I would be sad if I went alone. :-(

Speaking of James... I miss him SO much and can not WAIT to see him this sunday. He's going to get the biggest hug EVER! I love him and just can't wait to see his smile again. Gosh. I didn't know I could miss someone so much!

Saturday, for a whole THREE hours, Alison and Faith and I drove up to Fremont just for denny's. 4 hours of driving for 3 hours of seeing some good friends I haven't seen in a while. I think it was worth it. THE JOB SEARCH never ENDS!!! But I'm hoping that connections can play out well, and I'm hoping that soon, I will have a job. That would be fantastic!

P.S. I have NO motivation whatsoever to do anything!!! School = blah. At least after this weekend, it's all kind of downhill till 2nd semester. And I'm SO excited about second semester because I'm finally going to get into classes that actually deal with my major! Woot!!

I'm slacking

I'm slacking on keeping you (Elyse) posted on important details in my life....

James was originally getting mobilized on Dec. 11th....however as he found out this past weekend....They're not being mobilized til January 2, 2008. Does this make me happy? I get to spend Christmas and New Years with him. You do the math. :-)

And I think that's really the only important detail I've been neglecting to share with you. It made me SO happy to hear that. And it seems as though sickness is going around? James has been really sick the past few days, which sucks because they are of course still doing all their training and what not. But from what I understand, he has a license to drive a hum-vee now. Which he's excited about. Woot.

And though we argued about it before, it's understood that he is coming to my family's thanksgiving get together. If I could show you how much this pleases me, I would....but I don't think it's possible.

OMG Maroon 5

Hmm....Happy?

Where to start? I <3 Phi Beta....but yeah, it has taken over my life, for the most part. It's cool. I like it.

Homework is kicking my ass....

But above it all? I wish you were here. I know it's only been three days.....and it's not that I miss you...okay, well, I lied. I do miss you. But I didn't miss you till you sent me a text telling me how much fun you're having. And I don't know. I don't understand how you came to mean so much to me.

Honestly....when I think about it... I have to know that things happen for a reason. I could have met you a year ago....and I didn't. When Alex was at Kalahari for Jamie Fisher's birthday, you were there, and you were in the background and even asked Alex who he was talking to on the phone. And it was me. And you were there. And Alex sent me a picture, and you were right in the front. And then, you were at Alex's grad party, at the table across from the table that I was sitting at. And I think I was even introduced to you? Maybe. I don't know. I don't know how things work out, but we could have met so much sooner, and yet we didn't. And I have to believe there is some kind of greater plan at work here. It amazes me.

So, I know how cheesy it was to Alison that we sat there at your house, and we watched some home movies, and you gave me a few to take with me back to Capital.....but as cheesy as it was, it touched my heart in such a way. It was like....I was being shown this part of his life.....I don't know. I like to think that he wants to share a lot of his life with me. His past and....well, maybe his future....and yeah, I think it seems that way. At least I hope that it does.... I don't know. How do you know, though? Will I ever know? What am I even asking to know about? I am not entirely sure. Ever feel like something is really going somewhere? Like maybe it's meant to last a while? I don't want to rush things or anything like that....but that's how it feels...

I feel as though his mom thinks we're going to be together forever. Haha, she called me today to ask me if I knew where her car keys were. And then she sent me a picture message of Stella (their dog), in her new army shirt. It was cute. And I really like his mom. It's just interesting. I get this whole different vibe from the family......I don't know. It's from everyone, too, not just his mom. It's nice.

I'll never forget:

*during an argument*
"I'm going to be putting my heart on hold for you for a year, damnit!"
"And what do you think I'm going to be doing?"
*Me, smiling.* "I don't know....what?"
"The same thing."

"Where's your tickle spot, damnit. I've been lookin forever."
"I don't have one. I just wanted you to keep touching me."

"And your streak of dating gay men ends with me."

"I love you."
"You must...."
"What?"
"Well, you must love me if you put up with all my shit..."

And damnit. Everytime I look at that turtle, I think of him. How can I not? J3 is the cutest turtle I have ever seen in my life. And I love him so much. And well...you know. Alison has this theory that the turtle is like a form of a child for James and I. haha and she said something about how we won't have dogs....it will be turtles answering the front door and I said it would be cute and then she made a few noises along the lines of "good god" haha... She says we're weird, but cute. In a good way. And she says she could see James and I really going somewhere, too.

A month ago, I was really scared about where things would be when he gets back from Iraq....but you know what? I really think we can do it. And gosh dang it, I want to. I want to be here when he gets back, waiting for him.

How the hell can you grow to care about someone so much in such a short time? We have come such a LONG way in our relationship already. It's amazing. It's almost as though we have done a 180. We're so comfortable with each other. Hahaha, Grandma Porn. But yeah. I don't know. We still don't know each other as well as I know other people....but that comes with time.....and really.... He understands me. And I think I get him pretty well. And we take care of each other....and I can't even begin to describe what that's like. Honestly, I won't forget how he had this HUGE bug bite that was infected on his arm (this was like...2 weeks ago), and I would put the bandage over it, and tape it down and such. And it was just....so cute. Jess was here to watch that, too....and she said it was so adorable how I helped him with that. And James and I did laundry together that weekend. And you know what my favorite thing is? Coming up behind him when he's sitting in a chair, and putting my arms around him, and him reaching up with his left arm and grabbing my arms in response. Or when we lay together, and I put my arm across his chest, and he rests his hand on my arm. And how I hate feet, but not his. And how he asks my opinion on clothes and things when we go shopping. And how he's letting me use his Blockbuster thing while he's in Indiana so I can get some sweet movies in the mail.....And how he invites me to family events. And the way he kisses me. And when he holds hands with me when we watch TV. And the way he looks at me. Or smiles at me.

*sigh*

I'm happy.

"It's You" - Michelle Branch

If tomorrow never comes
I would want just one thing
I would tell it to the stars and the sun
I would write it for the world to see
And it's you
The light changes when you're in the room
Oh It's you
Oh It's you
If tomorrow never comes
I would want just one wish
To kiss your quiet mouth and trace the steps with my fingertips

Phi Beta!!!

I got my bid for Phi Beta tonight!!!! WOOOOOT.

So, yeah. I'm excited.

On a sad note, James' grandma died at 4:30am. I love him. And I hope he is okay.

It's hard

It's hard to remember to be happy. Cause it's not like things are bad or anything like that...

I'm just really scared and really sad about things.

James bought me a turtle and the tank, and the food and all that kind of stuff for it. I was in shock. It was on the expensive side. He said it was my christmas present. Which is cool. But damn. I didn't know what to say... I couldn't put it into words. It's so much more than just a turtle....it's like... I don't know.

And he brought down ALL of his fish......cause he leaves a week from tomorrow for Indiana and such....and he can't take care of them....so I have them. What the hell am I going to do with all of these fish?

Meh...there's more. I'll write later....

Oh baby, Oh baby...

LOVE!!!! hahaha..

Love

Loving you is something I know I'm good at.

That's always a comfort.

Perhaps

Perhaps I know that by admitting that I love you, I put myself at risk again. And I'm not sure that I can do that...

So instead...I ask my friends if they think you are gay, I say you have the mentality of a three year old when it comes to dating (this might be true).... I over analyze, and I fixate my stress and worries into a pseudo-crush on my best friend.

But when it comes down to it.... I don't think you're gay....and yeah, maybe you frusterate me cause you don't handle things maybe the way an adult would. And yeah, maybe you ignore me. And it hurts my feelings. And maybe you do more listening than talking and I take it as though you have nothing to say to me. And maybe you call me every night, but I convince myself that you don't care about me and you don't miss me. And maybe it really hurt me that you didn't seem excited to see me....but maybe you think you can't let that show? Maybe you can't admit to me or anyone else, including yourself, that you might have missed me while I was at school this past week. And I'm sorry that I'm so openly affectionate with the people I care about. I told you in the first place that I love hugs and cuddling. I'm sorry that you don't like it... I wish you would come out and say that to me....instead of just looking at me and saying "You're being mean to me".....just come out and say what's wrong, or why you think that. Don't act like you are 6. I wish you would tell me that your whole attitude changes when other guys come around, or I talk about Tyler.

And as for the Tyler thing... He's one of my best friends. He's awesome. I'm sorry that even the mention of his name puts you in a bad mood. But I spend most of my time with him. And he's ALWAYS there for me. I'm sorry. I don't want you to think that I don't care.....and I think that's definitely the way that it seems.

But at the same time, I don't know how to act around you. I don't know how to tell you that I care....so instead it just seems like I don't at all....and I'm sorry.

I love you. And I don't want December 11th to touch us at all. And I don't want to lose you, so I'm going to make some kind of effort to show you just how much I care and how much I do want to be with you, and share with you that I know we can do this....

You don't have to be so serious about it all....about the whole making this work thing......It's okay to say you miss me....it's not a weakness. It's okay to say that you care about me....it's not a weakness....

But lord, say something.

Ah.....back at Capital!!!

Being back at Capital never felt so good. Being back here with my friends. Gonna start classes in about an hour......I really am so glad to be here.

I was really nervous about it all....You know, not knowing what to expect. Seeing a bunch of people that I haven't seen in a while... I was scared it wouldn't go well...or that it would be awkward....but it's really not awkward at all. It's nice. It feels like home....It's different cause we're all a little more spread out in the building, but we're all here.

I've already seen RC and Ariana, which is amazing. And I've seen Mark, Glenn, Faith, Ivy.....and of course....Tyler Cooper. And I DO adore Tyler Cooper. It's so great to be in the same general area as one of my best friends. Gosh, it's so nice. And we have so much fun together.

I can't wait til wednesday cause JT and I are going to have dinner in her sweet apartment (fo sho, dude!!)....and I haven't seen her in like...FOREVER! So, I'm looking forward to that.

Well, cheers to Cap year 07-08. :-)

Confused

Confused.

And yet....how can I be so mad at someone....And still want them next to me?

I was really mad at James....but it resolved into my desire to see him again....to see his smile....to have him look at me the way that he does. To feel his hugs. To feel his hands in my own. To see his cheesy, dorky looks. To have his kisses. Cause when it comes down to it, I love him a lot.

And I'm so confused about everything....

And maybe we rushed into this...

And it's not the best idea.

But I'm going to try and put my best foot forward.

I feel so sick to my stomach.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry

I'm sorry that my fears are so....ridiculous. I'm sorry that I am so scared of losing you. I'm sorry that it causes me to push you away. I'm sorry you think that I don't trust you. I'm sorry that I love you.

I'm sorry that I also love someone else very much. I'm sorry that there might always be a comparison between the two of you in my mind. I'm sorry that I've already made up my mind on how things are going to go in two months. I'm sorry that I seem close minded. I'm sorry that when a relationship becomes official, I go completely crazy and I'm not myself. I'm sorry that I'm so scared of really trusting someone. I'm sorry I said I trust you when I really don't yet. I'm sorry that you don't know me well enough yet. I'm sorry that I'm not really giving you that chance. I'm sorry that maybe I don't know what to do. I'm sorry that I need someone to help me get through things.

I hate how you already know what buttons to push. I hate how you compare me to someone I completely dislike. I hate how you never say anything. I hate how you still have a lot of growing up to do. I hate how you don't consider my feelings and just say "oh fuck it". I hate how good you make me feel. I hate how you smile at me. I hate the way you look at me. I hate it all....

I love you. I hate you. I'm so confused about so many things.

I'm not scared and yet I am. I'm just so anxious to be back at school and to get into the swing of things.

I love you. It will all be over soon and I'll be myself again.

Blessed with friends that understand....

Where do I start?

I absolutely adore James. He went with me to meet both of my grandmothers. He met my mom's mother....but he thought she was creepy...haha which is kind of funny. And my grandmother from Florida is up visiting, so he went with us and my whole family to my Aunt Eileen's house so that he could meet gma #2, as well....And it meant a lot to me that he went with me. Cause I hate gma #2, and it was so nice to have him there to talk to and make it bearable. And he kept mentioning that relationships are about give and take......Hmm....And he said I just keep "taking taking and taking and never giving back" Which isn't necessarily true. Hahah... I think we equally do things for each other, even if it takes me a while to catch up and give back. He invited me to his Aunt's on the 2nd for their annual croquet tournament and family time and such for labor day. I'm going to go. But he thought I wasn't going to be home....but I will be....three day weekend my first week back at Cap? Yeah, I'll be home, haha. I know that after this week, all we have together are weekends. And that really does make me sad and what not.

Tyler Cooper is probably one of the most amazing people I will ever have in my life. He made me die laughing. The four days that we were in cbus, he was "sick" on monday....he had a day off and was going to go to lunch with us....but he FAKED SICK because he didn't want to spend time with Alison. Because he doesn't like her. And finds her annoying. And if he could avoid seeing her ever again, he would. And I WAS SO RIGHT ABOUT THAT. I remember mentioning something to Alex about how she annoys Tyler, and it was just a guess....but I was right. And I remember asking Tyler if he faked sick cause he didn't want to see Alison that day, and he told me no. But we had an honest moment last night....and I'll admit, I would have done the same thing, in his place.

As for the Alison situation. I don't trust her. She pisses me off. She crosses boundaries that shouldn't be crossed. And she doesn't respect the relationship that James and I have. Erin says "I don't think she's doing it to hurt you." You know what? I don't think she's even THINKING. Like when James stayed the night at Alison's, I told her I wasn't comfortable with it and she said "Oh, I guess I didn't even think about how you would feel about it." Um....hello?! The girlfriend won't get upset when another girl asks her boyfriend to stay the night at her house? Noo....of course that wouldn't bother me. Pull your head out of your ass Alison.

I'm angry. And just frusterated. And sad. And....meh. Sick of the rain. I think the rain mirrors my mood sometimes......Yeah.

I'm blessed with James and Tyler and Keira and a bunch of other people. People that know me well. People that care about me. It's nice to remind yourself of that, sometimes.

I move back to school this weekend. Wow.

Follow me

You know what? Yeah.

So...went to the club last night. It was fun. James went. Even though he said he hates clubs and hates dancing. He went. So that he could spend time with me. And he even tried dancing with me. And held my hands and such and attempted to dance. And I realized.....he may not be able to tell me how he feels, but he can show me....He didn't want to be there....but attempted to dance and to have a good time and even said to me "I just want you to have fun." And it means a lot to me.....and if I stop and think about it, he really does a lot for me. Which only makes me love him more.

Cause I do. And I guess, I'm not afraid to say that.

It's just rough.

And I told Alison last night that I don't trust her. I blame her for a lot of things, actually. I resent the fact that I NEVER got to see Alex all summer because he was always with her. And when all the bad stuff happened with Erin and I needed him the most....everytime I called him, he was with Alison. He was never there when I needed him this summer. And it's her fault. And I resent her for that. And also, I resent her because every fight Alex and I had this summer was because I was sticking up for her because she never had the balls to say anything to him and would ask me to step in. And I didn't want to.....but I sacrificed my friendship with my best friend to try and do the right thing. Essentially, he was being a jerk, but she should have been the one to tell him. Not me. I didn't want to be put in the middle of it....because he didn't get angry with her. He got angry with me. And it killed me. And she never once said "Thank you for putting your friendship up with your best friend to stick up for me." He's been my best friend for the past year and her and I just became friends this summer....but for some reason, I did feel compelled to help her. Her life was pretty much a mess because she doesn't have self control and won't stick up for herself.....and I don't know. If I was in her position and someone else knew that the guy I loved was lying to me, I would want to know, too. But there were many times when I asked her not to say anything to Alex and she did anyways. And I don't trust her because of that. And I hate how when I would say how much I miss James and how much I wish I could spend time with him.....she would say something to him and then James would think I was freaking out and I couldn't handle not seeing him -- which isn't the case at all, you know?

Or perhaps....when I said "Do you like Tyler (Cooper)?" and she said no....well, she left facebook logged into her account one night when she was at my house....and for snooping's sake, I happened to check her messages to him on facebook.....and she lied to me.....and she was trying to make moves on him. And it's not that I own him or anything like that, but she lied to me. And it really bothered me how after everything that happened between Josh and I, she liked him. She considered dating him....and I said "Don't you think that would be wrong considering he tried getting with everyone in our friend group, including Eric, he totally screwed Erin and I over....and you STILL want to date him?" I don't know if she thought about things first.

It bothers me how she can complain to me about not seeing James after a week.....honestly, I didn't get to see my best friend for almost 2 months straight and he left for fair and school and I felt like my whole summer was stolen away.....and she's going to complain about a week? I don't think it's right....and when she complains to me, it makes me resent her more. Or like yesterday when I was telling her that I'm scared that James is leaving and such cause I don't know what's going to happen and she said "Well, if anything happens in those 13 months that he is gone, I won't say a word." Okay, so you're telling me that if I cheat on my boyfriend while he's serving our country, you won't say a word? I have to believe that she meant that as some sort of comfort and honestly....It made me lose respect for her. That she would even think that I would do that....and I said "I would never do that..." and she said "Well, 13 months is a long time.. .I mean, I wouldn't be able to handle it." and I said "I guess that's when you decide how much the person really means to you. I wouldn't lie to anyone and I wouldn't want another person to lie for me.....I really wouldn't do that to James." It just really bothered me that she even suggested that. What kind of person does she think I am? I wouldn't cheat on someone. Especially when that person is out there, putting their life on the line.

I don't know. I don't know anymore.

I'm glad to be going camping this weekend with my family. It will give me time to get away from friends that I feel like have been smothering me all summer. Well, not friends. Just Alison. I always feel like she's overstepping her boundaries with me. And it really bothers me. And I can't really talk to her. I don't trust her. I just don't. And there's probably more to it, but I'm just not conscious of it.

I can't wait to go back to Capital and not have to see her everyday....

I'm outta here....

Scared. And maybe it will all be okay?

It feels as though maybe I'm being foolish.

I'm just sad.

It just sucks...

I have a fantastic boyfriend. James. He's so great. He's nothing like any guy I've ever dated before. And maybe that's because he accepts me for who I am, and doesn't really expect me to be someone I'm not. And he's okay with the things I've already done in my life. He doesn't think less of me for the mistakes that I have made. That's paramount to me. He knows about what happened between Josh and I this summer....and yet, he still likes me. He doesn't think I'm some whore. He respects me. And I can't even begin to describe how grateful I am for that. James likes me for me. I don't know. I can't even explain it.

It just sucks that I'm in a functional, healthy, happy relationship and it's tainted a little. He's in the Army National Guard. Yes, I am proud of him....and he's already been in it for three years. He shows long time commitment. This should be encouragement to me. But it just really makes me upset. He has to spend three weeks in Indiana in October....and then in November he leaves for three months of training and then he goes to Kuwait for 9 months. And when he gets back to the states, he has to do another month somewhere. He's not worried that our relationship is going to fall apart....and well, neither am I. It just sucks. And it sucks that I leave next weekend for school. I'm sad that this whole relationship is going to be long distance. The majority of it will be. And who knows what's going to happen? I think that's what scares me the most.

And I love denying how I feel about people.....but I love him. I'm starting to love him, at least. The way I feel when I am with him.... I've never felt that way with someone before. I am at peace, and happy, and a little agitated (cause he loves to annoy me...). And I just love it. I love him.....just a little.

I'm at a loss for what to say. Or what to think. I just have to live each day as I can. Enjoy each moment spent with him. And just hope for things to go well.