Ah.....back at Capital!!!

Being back at Capital never felt so good. Being back here with my friends. Gonna start classes in about an hour......I really am so glad to be here.

I was really nervous about it all....You know, not knowing what to expect. Seeing a bunch of people that I haven't seen in a while... I was scared it wouldn't go well...or that it would be awkward....but it's really not awkward at all. It's nice. It feels like home....It's different cause we're all a little more spread out in the building, but we're all here.

I've already seen RC and Ariana, which is amazing. And I've seen Mark, Glenn, Faith, Ivy.....and of course....Tyler Cooper. And I DO adore Tyler Cooper. It's so great to be in the same general area as one of my best friends. Gosh, it's so nice. And we have so much fun together.

I can't wait til wednesday cause JT and I are going to have dinner in her sweet apartment (fo sho, dude!!)....and I haven't seen her in like...FOREVER! So, I'm looking forward to that.

Well, cheers to Cap year 07-08. :-)

Confused

Confused.

And yet....how can I be so mad at someone....And still want them next to me?

I was really mad at James....but it resolved into my desire to see him again....to see his smile....to have him look at me the way that he does. To feel his hugs. To feel his hands in my own. To see his cheesy, dorky looks. To have his kisses. Cause when it comes down to it, I love him a lot.

And I'm so confused about everything....

And maybe we rushed into this...

And it's not the best idea.

But I'm going to try and put my best foot forward.

I feel so sick to my stomach.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry

I'm sorry that my fears are so....ridiculous. I'm sorry that I am so scared of losing you. I'm sorry that it causes me to push you away. I'm sorry you think that I don't trust you. I'm sorry that I love you.

I'm sorry that I also love someone else very much. I'm sorry that there might always be a comparison between the two of you in my mind. I'm sorry that I've already made up my mind on how things are going to go in two months. I'm sorry that I seem close minded. I'm sorry that when a relationship becomes official, I go completely crazy and I'm not myself. I'm sorry that I'm so scared of really trusting someone. I'm sorry I said I trust you when I really don't yet. I'm sorry that you don't know me well enough yet. I'm sorry that I'm not really giving you that chance. I'm sorry that maybe I don't know what to do. I'm sorry that I need someone to help me get through things.

I hate how you already know what buttons to push. I hate how you compare me to someone I completely dislike. I hate how you never say anything. I hate how you still have a lot of growing up to do. I hate how you don't consider my feelings and just say "oh fuck it". I hate how good you make me feel. I hate how you smile at me. I hate the way you look at me. I hate it all....

I love you. I hate you. I'm so confused about so many things.

I'm not scared and yet I am. I'm just so anxious to be back at school and to get into the swing of things.

I love you. It will all be over soon and I'll be myself again.

Blessed with friends that understand....

Where do I start?

I absolutely adore James. He went with me to meet both of my grandmothers. He met my mom's mother....but he thought she was creepy...haha which is kind of funny. And my grandmother from Florida is up visiting, so he went with us and my whole family to my Aunt Eileen's house so that he could meet gma #2, as well....And it meant a lot to me that he went with me. Cause I hate gma #2, and it was so nice to have him there to talk to and make it bearable. And he kept mentioning that relationships are about give and take......Hmm....And he said I just keep "taking taking and taking and never giving back" Which isn't necessarily true. Hahah... I think we equally do things for each other, even if it takes me a while to catch up and give back. He invited me to his Aunt's on the 2nd for their annual croquet tournament and family time and such for labor day. I'm going to go. But he thought I wasn't going to be home....but I will be....three day weekend my first week back at Cap? Yeah, I'll be home, haha. I know that after this week, all we have together are weekends. And that really does make me sad and what not.

Tyler Cooper is probably one of the most amazing people I will ever have in my life. He made me die laughing. The four days that we were in cbus, he was "sick" on monday....he had a day off and was going to go to lunch with us....but he FAKED SICK because he didn't want to spend time with Alison. Because he doesn't like her. And finds her annoying. And if he could avoid seeing her ever again, he would. And I WAS SO RIGHT ABOUT THAT. I remember mentioning something to Alex about how she annoys Tyler, and it was just a guess....but I was right. And I remember asking Tyler if he faked sick cause he didn't want to see Alison that day, and he told me no. But we had an honest moment last night....and I'll admit, I would have done the same thing, in his place.

As for the Alison situation. I don't trust her. She pisses me off. She crosses boundaries that shouldn't be crossed. And she doesn't respect the relationship that James and I have. Erin says "I don't think she's doing it to hurt you." You know what? I don't think she's even THINKING. Like when James stayed the night at Alison's, I told her I wasn't comfortable with it and she said "Oh, I guess I didn't even think about how you would feel about it." Um....hello?! The girlfriend won't get upset when another girl asks her boyfriend to stay the night at her house? Noo....of course that wouldn't bother me. Pull your head out of your ass Alison.

I'm angry. And just frusterated. And sad. And....meh. Sick of the rain. I think the rain mirrors my mood sometimes......Yeah.

I'm blessed with James and Tyler and Keira and a bunch of other people. People that know me well. People that care about me. It's nice to remind yourself of that, sometimes.

I move back to school this weekend. Wow.

Follow me

You know what? Yeah.

So...went to the club last night. It was fun. James went. Even though he said he hates clubs and hates dancing. He went. So that he could spend time with me. And he even tried dancing with me. And held my hands and such and attempted to dance. And I realized.....he may not be able to tell me how he feels, but he can show me....He didn't want to be there....but attempted to dance and to have a good time and even said to me "I just want you to have fun." And it means a lot to me.....and if I stop and think about it, he really does a lot for me. Which only makes me love him more.

Cause I do. And I guess, I'm not afraid to say that.

It's just rough.

And I told Alison last night that I don't trust her. I blame her for a lot of things, actually. I resent the fact that I NEVER got to see Alex all summer because he was always with her. And when all the bad stuff happened with Erin and I needed him the most....everytime I called him, he was with Alison. He was never there when I needed him this summer. And it's her fault. And I resent her for that. And also, I resent her because every fight Alex and I had this summer was because I was sticking up for her because she never had the balls to say anything to him and would ask me to step in. And I didn't want to.....but I sacrificed my friendship with my best friend to try and do the right thing. Essentially, he was being a jerk, but she should have been the one to tell him. Not me. I didn't want to be put in the middle of it....because he didn't get angry with her. He got angry with me. And it killed me. And she never once said "Thank you for putting your friendship up with your best friend to stick up for me." He's been my best friend for the past year and her and I just became friends this summer....but for some reason, I did feel compelled to help her. Her life was pretty much a mess because she doesn't have self control and won't stick up for herself.....and I don't know. If I was in her position and someone else knew that the guy I loved was lying to me, I would want to know, too. But there were many times when I asked her not to say anything to Alex and she did anyways. And I don't trust her because of that. And I hate how when I would say how much I miss James and how much I wish I could spend time with him.....she would say something to him and then James would think I was freaking out and I couldn't handle not seeing him -- which isn't the case at all, you know?

Or perhaps....when I said "Do you like Tyler (Cooper)?" and she said no....well, she left facebook logged into her account one night when she was at my house....and for snooping's sake, I happened to check her messages to him on facebook.....and she lied to me.....and she was trying to make moves on him. And it's not that I own him or anything like that, but she lied to me. And it really bothered me how after everything that happened between Josh and I, she liked him. She considered dating him....and I said "Don't you think that would be wrong considering he tried getting with everyone in our friend group, including Eric, he totally screwed Erin and I over....and you STILL want to date him?" I don't know if she thought about things first.

It bothers me how she can complain to me about not seeing James after a week.....honestly, I didn't get to see my best friend for almost 2 months straight and he left for fair and school and I felt like my whole summer was stolen away.....and she's going to complain about a week? I don't think it's right....and when she complains to me, it makes me resent her more. Or like yesterday when I was telling her that I'm scared that James is leaving and such cause I don't know what's going to happen and she said "Well, if anything happens in those 13 months that he is gone, I won't say a word." Okay, so you're telling me that if I cheat on my boyfriend while he's serving our country, you won't say a word? I have to believe that she meant that as some sort of comfort and honestly....It made me lose respect for her. That she would even think that I would do that....and I said "I would never do that..." and she said "Well, 13 months is a long time.. .I mean, I wouldn't be able to handle it." and I said "I guess that's when you decide how much the person really means to you. I wouldn't lie to anyone and I wouldn't want another person to lie for me.....I really wouldn't do that to James." It just really bothered me that she even suggested that. What kind of person does she think I am? I wouldn't cheat on someone. Especially when that person is out there, putting their life on the line.

I don't know. I don't know anymore.

I'm glad to be going camping this weekend with my family. It will give me time to get away from friends that I feel like have been smothering me all summer. Well, not friends. Just Alison. I always feel like she's overstepping her boundaries with me. And it really bothers me. And I can't really talk to her. I don't trust her. I just don't. And there's probably more to it, but I'm just not conscious of it.

I can't wait to go back to Capital and not have to see her everyday....

I'm outta here....

Scared. And maybe it will all be okay?

It feels as though maybe I'm being foolish.

I'm just sad.

It just sucks...

I have a fantastic boyfriend. James. He's so great. He's nothing like any guy I've ever dated before. And maybe that's because he accepts me for who I am, and doesn't really expect me to be someone I'm not. And he's okay with the things I've already done in my life. He doesn't think less of me for the mistakes that I have made. That's paramount to me. He knows about what happened between Josh and I this summer....and yet, he still likes me. He doesn't think I'm some whore. He respects me. And I can't even begin to describe how grateful I am for that. James likes me for me. I don't know. I can't even explain it.

It just sucks that I'm in a functional, healthy, happy relationship and it's tainted a little. He's in the Army National Guard. Yes, I am proud of him....and he's already been in it for three years. He shows long time commitment. This should be encouragement to me. But it just really makes me upset. He has to spend three weeks in Indiana in October....and then in November he leaves for three months of training and then he goes to Kuwait for 9 months. And when he gets back to the states, he has to do another month somewhere. He's not worried that our relationship is going to fall apart....and well, neither am I. It just sucks. And it sucks that I leave next weekend for school. I'm sad that this whole relationship is going to be long distance. The majority of it will be. And who knows what's going to happen? I think that's what scares me the most.

And I love denying how I feel about people.....but I love him. I'm starting to love him, at least. The way I feel when I am with him.... I've never felt that way with someone before. I am at peace, and happy, and a little agitated (cause he loves to annoy me...). And I just love it. I love him.....just a little.

I'm at a loss for what to say. Or what to think. I just have to live each day as I can. Enjoy each moment spent with him. And just hope for things to go well.